Why I am not the perfect girl for you.

… again from the Best of Craigslist .. this time hat-tip to @SINgleGIRL for finding this gem  - her comment: “Funniest Craiglist ad EVER. Laughed so loud I startled my coworkers”

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nfk/980725217.html

For a while now, I’ve been posting and hunting on Craigslist. I get bored at work a lot, and it seems to pass the time. Every guy on here seems to think that he is God’s gift to mankind (not even just the women…). Joe Schmoe posts on here looking for the brilliant, model, single, virgin, wealthy etc etc girl. Do you smell that? Cause its time to wake up and take a hugeeee whiff of that folgers.
Regardless, here’s some of my commentary. (Taken directly from posts in Men Seeking Women)

“I am hoping to find an athletic, fun loving white female…” Ok. Athletic? So, should I like be on a team or something? Do you want me to be able to kick your ass when we wrastle? Fun loving? No…I hate fun. Fun is the worst thing ever. You try to have fun with me and the consequences will be dire.

“looking for friend with beniftits” *sigh* Where do I start, young sir? There is a section dedicated solely to you getting your johnson stroked. Its called NSA! And what “beniftits” were you looking for? Perhaps some spelling/grammar lessons? I’d be happy to tutor you. Maybe I’m viewing this entirely the wrong way? Maybe you are in fact extremely clever and were using a play on words? Benef-tits? I think not.

“im 6′4″ 270lbs blk straight teeth” Black straight teeth? Maybe you should spend your time at the dentist rather than Craigslist. Or, use a flippin comma.

“If you are fake, I have no time for you.” Sorry sugar. But honestly, you don’t want to see 99% of the women out there without a little fakeness. Otherwise you’d slit your wrists. Everyone fudges the truth a little. *ahem* “No honey! You don’t look fat in those jeans at all…” Would you rather me tell you what I REALLY think about you when you come up to me at *insert random bar name here*? I don’t think so. BTW, you have spinach in your teeth.

“I am looking for a woman who takes care of her self” I would hope that would be one of your requirements. I can’t see someone asking for a woman who doesn’t shower? Doesn’t buy clothing that fits? Doesn’t pay her bills? I’m confused.

“i want to look into your eyes and tell you how much more beautiful they are than the stars.” Weed and Craigslist ads do NOT mix! Stop making me vomit. Punch me in the face or something instead…Jeez.

“I am looking to meet some one special that would like to start as friends and build from there.” Really? Because I prefer marriage immediately. F this friends sh*t.

“I also want to get to meeting without 6 mos. of useless messeges” Would 5 months be ok? I’m not sure if I’ll be able to tell if you’re genuinely not a serial killer until then.

“im only five eight 130lbs so no big girls or bbws” I dub this the ‘no fatties’ clause. Don’t you know big girls is [sic] freaks!?!11?! And eww, 130? I think my 95yo grandmother weighs more than that.

“I am a spontaneous person so I like to do a variety of things” I chose to spend my day doing the same thing over and over and over again. Like washing my hands. It makes me feel better. INVISIBLE BUGS! For future reference: Spontaneous: happening or arising without apparent external cause (this does not mean you like doing a variety of things, loser).

“I’m 5′6′brown eyes,38 old,no child,but like.” Please press 1 for English. No child, but like. You are child-like? You like no child? You like children? Sorry, the subscription for my dumbass translator is expired.

“likes to be outdoors but does not mind stayin indoors sumtimes” Is that like, breathing or not breathing? I was under the impression that indoors and outdoors were the only two options that humans had. Again, confused.

“Not interested in …morally bankrupt women.” What if I’m just financially bankrupt?

Anyway, I’m ending my rant there. And, if I’ve pulled from your ad, and you’re offended…Get the hell over it. Take some criticism and maybe you’ll meet that 21 year old model virgin you’re so desperately seeking.

{ 9 comments }

From the Best of CraigsList - I have to save the really good ones, so they don’t disappear forever
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/987443049.html

Dear Mr. Scammer
I owe you a few apologies:

1. I am sorry for responding and saying sure I am happy to engage in a bizarre business deal with you knowing full well it isn’t real.
2. I am sorry you wasted time to print a horrible fake check.
3. I am sorry you spent $4.90 UPS’ing it to me overnight.
4. I am sorry for taking a few days to get back to you after I got the check and ask you for your phone number which you can’t give me. I knew that and still I emailed you for the phone number.
5. I am sorry that I lied to you and said I could not find a western union office near me, making you look them up, emailing me a list and me telling you those two liquor stores are shut down.
6. I am sorry that I lied to you about getting pissed at the western union office because they wanted $1.75 to cut a check and that I said that’s robbery and left in a huff. The truth is I never went there in the first place. Sorry for wasting your time that day.
7. I’m sorry I lied the next day after you threaten to call the FBI and local police on me because I cashed your check and would not pay you. I knew you would not, but I wrote you an email begging you not to call the police and that I would pay you tomorrow after I cashed the check.
8. I’m sorry that I lied the next day and said the western union office girl was rude to me so I left in anger, again delaying your money by another day.
9. Im sorry I lied about sending the money to western union in your name vs the shipper so you could not pick it up. I realize this cost you a day or so.
10. I am really sorry that I lied and said that the money order was at your western union, but off by 1 zip code making you drive 30 minutes to find out I am a liar.
11. Your last email to me was justified. Obviously from your language you were pissed. The fact that as you “YELLED” and your grasp of the English language seemed to fade away like my Mom’s when she is livid showed me what a bad person I am.
12. Your phone call from Africa? was upsetting because as you were trying to explain to me how to go down to western union and pay the $1.75 and you would pick up the fee, I realized how frustrated you were getting. I also lied about being hard of hearing and asking you to yell. Sorry.
13. All in all, I am sorry for sucking up your bandwidth. I realize that my actions probably sucked up 6-10 hours of your time and kept you from fleecing some gullible person in America.

Please forgive me. Go ahead and send me another forged check and I will send you my cash to your shipper. Please try me again. Even though I lied you to about 15 times I won’t do it again.

Your friendly computer person.
MHF

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