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Why I am not the perfect girl for you

by scott on March 18, 2009

Why I am not the perfect girl for you.

… again from the Best of Craigslist .. this time hat-tip to @SINgleGIRL for finding this gem  – her comment: “Funniest Craiglist ad EVER. Laughed so loud I startled my coworkers”

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nfk/980725217.html

For a while now, I’ve been posting and hunting on Craigslist. I get bored at work a lot, and it seems to pass the time. Every guy on here seems to think that he is God’s gift to mankind (not even just the women…). Joe Schmoe posts on here looking for the brilliant, model, single, virgin, wealthy etc etc girl. Do you smell that? Cause its time to wake up and take a hugeeee whiff of that folgers.
Regardless, here’s some of my commentary. (Taken directly from posts in Men Seeking Women)

“I am hoping to find an athletic, fun loving white female…” Ok. Athletic? So, should I like be on a team or something? Do you want me to be able to kick your ass when we wrastle? Fun loving? No…I hate fun. Fun is the worst thing ever. You try to have fun with me and the consequences will be dire.

“looking for friend with beniftits” *sigh* Where do I start, young sir? There is a section dedicated solely to you getting your johnson stroked. Its called NSA! And what “beniftits” were you looking for? Perhaps some spelling/grammar lessons? I’d be happy to tutor you. Maybe I’m viewing this entirely the wrong way? Maybe you are in fact extremely clever and were using a play on words? Benef-tits? I think not.

“im 6’4″ 270lbs blk straight teeth” Black straight teeth? Maybe you should spend your time at the dentist rather than Craigslist. Or, use a flippin comma.

“If you are fake, I have no time for you.” Sorry sugar. But honestly, you don’t want to see 99% of the women out there without a little fakeness. Otherwise you’d slit your wrists. Everyone fudges the truth a little. *ahem* “No honey! You don’t look fat in those jeans at all…” Would you rather me tell you what I REALLY think about you when you come up to me at *insert random bar name here*? I don’t think so. BTW, you have spinach in your teeth.

“I am looking for a woman who takes care of her self” I would hope that would be one of your requirements. I can’t see someone asking for a woman who doesn’t shower? Doesn’t buy clothing that fits? Doesn’t pay her bills? I’m confused.

“i want to look into your eyes and tell you how much more beautiful they are than the stars.” Weed and Craigslist ads do NOT mix! Stop making me vomit. Punch me in the face or something instead…Jeez.

“I am looking to meet some one special that would like to start as friends and build from there.” Really? Because I prefer marriage immediately. F this friends sh*t.

“I also want to get to meeting without 6 mos. of useless messeges” Would 5 months be ok? I’m not sure if I’ll be able to tell if you’re genuinely not a serial killer until then.

“im only five eight 130lbs so no big girls or bbws” I dub this the ‘no fatties’ clause. Don’t you know big girls is [sic] freaks!?!11?! And eww, 130? I think my 95yo grandmother weighs more than that.

“I am a spontaneous person so I like to do a variety of things” I chose to spend my day doing the same thing over and over and over again. Like washing my hands. It makes me feel better. INVISIBLE BUGS! For future reference: Spontaneous: happening or arising without apparent external cause (this does not mean you like doing a variety of things, loser).

“I’m 5’6’brown eyes,38 old,no child,but like.” Please press 1 for English. No child, but like. You are child-like? You like no child? You like children? Sorry, the subscription for my dumbass translator is expired.

“likes to be outdoors but does not mind stayin indoors sumtimes” Is that like, breathing or not breathing? I was under the impression that indoors and outdoors were the only two options that humans had. Again, confused.

“Not interested in …morally bankrupt women.” What if I’m just financially bankrupt?

Anyway, I’m ending my rant there. And, if I’ve pulled from your ad, and you’re offended…Get the hell over it. Take some criticism and maybe you’ll meet that 21 year old model virgin you’re so desperately seeking.

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Beads May 12, 2009 at 11:20 am

AKA ‘why college kids and idiots should not be allowed to use the internet..’ 😉

Stacy May 12, 2009 at 3:23 pm

Who ever you are high five! Thank for the laugh…

Zachery. May 18, 2009 at 7:23 pm

“Wrastle?” Baby girl, I am a boy still in High School. As immature as I am even I would not be so hypocritical to post something without first editing, much less have a spelling/grammar then judge someone Else’s proper grammar because you’ve never been laid.

Anna May 18, 2009 at 9:17 pm

I’m pretty sure the error was on purpose. My mom used to pronounce it “rassel” in reference to a tv show. (Beverly Hillbillies, maybe?)

Chase May 20, 2009 at 3:06 pm

Whoever wrote this is even sadder than all the people posting on craigslist. Are you really that low on self-confidence that you turn towards making fun of other people? On top of that, you are not even remotely funny. Your criticisms are childish and stupid. Ill tell you why your not the perfect girl for any of these men, or any men for that matter. It’s because your a self-loathing coldharded b*tch. Get a life…seriously.

BC. May 23, 2009 at 1:49 pm

Your my type of girl your strong and tough and you can kick my ass get in touch with me.

stu June 2, 2009 at 9:59 am

Great post. The people here that are putting you down are probably the original moron posters. I realize many people use abbreviations on the net these days, but for God’s sake learn to spell.

Kasey June 16, 2009 at 12:20 pm

You took a lot of things on here way too literally. It was obvious what these people meant. Btw, it’s “wrestle” not “wrastle” and to Anna, yes, I’m sure she meant to talk like a Beverly Hillbilly. That makes perfect sense.

Alex June 16, 2009 at 2:38 pm

“Wrastle” is a joke, people, come on. And you have to admit, the postings she pulled are certainly not unique. There are tons more like them posted on Craigslist every day. It’s just having fun with what people say and what they really mean.

Ashent January 25, 2010 at 10:45 pm

I thought the point of making a satire list was to actually be funny? She offered no insights or original thoughts in the course of that badly put together rant, and no part of it was any more enjoyable than actually reading pathetic craigslist posts.

My favorite part however was knocking the guy for weighing 130lbs after whining about how guys say up front they aren’t interested in a big girl.

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